2007-01-11/11:03 p.m.

maybe youre right

i woke up too early this morning - roofers were pounding on the roof before 8am. now the apt is covered in dirt from ahigherpowerknowswhere and kitten spent the day hiding under my bed, crying.

i had a lunch date with a friend and ran into a few others that i havent seen in awhile. i took a few photos on the way home, then avoided the world for the rest of the day. i chatted with the roomies a bit.

mostly, though, i cannot shake the feeling that i cannot get warm. the cold is in my bones. cold and sadness too, i think.

you say i choose sadness/
that it never once has chosen me

i should have been writing a song that im getting paid to write for the board of education. i should have been working on my essay. i should have been reading books that im behind on. i should have been cleaning my room.

but today, while telling a friend the complete opposite, i realized that i dont want to relapse into this coldness, this sadness, this familiar darkness. i know that i have, and that ill have a hell of a time digging myself out again in the spring, but i want a little bit more. i want to look forward to something. i want to see and appreciate beauty without hiding behind a camera lens. i dont want to have such contempt for everyone around me.

psychodoc says that the problem with being the smartest person in most rooms is that you know that youre the smartest person in most rooms.

i dont want to hide at home so that i am not reminded of that fact. i want to learn. enjoying being with people is a challenge, and i dont want to shy away from that anymore. i want to learn to be happy, and to be happy with others.

or at least stop feeling so damned empty and like im missing some fundamental truth that makes everyone else get out of bed in the morning, even if i might end up thinking that its lame. i at least want to hear it.

sigh.

who am i kidding? i just want to get ridiculously stoned and forget about myself for a little while.