2004-11-13/7:31 p.m.

sorry im a big freak

but i am. im sick. im exhausted. im not sleeping well. i had to go off my meds this week. i cant find my req for the bloodwork i need done before i can make a doc appointment. i might have mono. we ran out of hot water so i couldnt finish the dishes. my apartment is a mess. my dads dryer broke and i dont have any change to do laundry downstairs. i need to go grocery shopping but im too weak to carry stuff right now. im dizzy and nauseus all the time. i keep blacking out and it scares me. my phones not working properly and people keep phoning me on it and yelling at me to get a new phone cause my phone sucks. even tho it doesnt suck. i cant get it fixed until monday, at the very earliest. everybody whos anybody is in washington having the time of their lives and i got screwed over and couldnt go on the trip. im a bitch to everybody who i care about and i shouldnt be, even though i know theyll still love me. my sister is still off school with mono, yet she goes to work and has friends sleep over during the week. she goes out every night and doesnt come home until 2am. i just want my mommy to cook me dinner and do my laundry and take me to the doctors and make everything better, but she cant cause she lives two hours away. she couldnt make it to my big gig last night with a band backing me made up of professional musicians who ditched mamma mia to play with me and the rest of the performers. shes coming into town early on monday, but now she says she likely wont be able to stay and see me, even for an hour. my friends phone me and want to hang out, but i cant get out of bed or get dressed or brush my hair. i cant stop crying and all i want to do is snuggle with dannyface and my kittens, but i yelled at danny and im a big jerk and he hates me and my kittens keep scratching and biting me. we were going to go out and see a movie tonight but i feel too sick, physically and otherwise. my dad wanted me to drive with him to work and back, just so we could talk or hang out or whatever, but i thought i had plans with danny so i said i couldnt, but dannys only coming over now. that was at 1:30 this afternoon. i have so much homework to do and i should do it but i can barely swallow, for i feel like such a horrible person.

im going to go brush my teeth and maybe danny will love me again.

psychodoc would lynch me if he saw this entry. too much self pity. i dont want pity. i just want help.