2003-08-09/11:05 p.m.

"communism is just a red heron"

i suppose i just expect too much from people.

perhaps it is because the words inside my head are so muddled, always overlapping and rarely making sense, that i am never quite sure what i say or who i say it to. i mean to say some things that never get said, and i say things i would never mean.

i see the world upside down and i say that the world must be changed. really though, its me thats upside down. paradigms are all sorts of misleading.

i feel so alone right now. not necessarily lonely, but certainly alone. its difficult to explain, even for a hopeful-author like myself. the only feeling i can clearly identify is the need to spike my drink again. i shouldnt. i really shouldnt.

i shall just take my anti-depressants now and repeat the mantra i am strong even though many somethings whisper, snicker, and laugh, you are weak. the only thing you deserve is to drink yourself alone.

yes, tee and ess songs are running through my head. and yes, im feeling guilty for being such an awful friend. and yes, i realize that my job offer only has two days to notify me if it is, indeed, an offer. and no, im not going to drink any kind of juice that i may cave in an put vodka or gin in. i shall play it safe by drinking chocolate milk and watching a movie.

i really am bloody lonely though.

and yes, im starting to wonder why there are no guys around me that i can actually have permission to be attracted to. instead, i just listen to folkrawk all day long like some lonely lesbian. sigh. i need a guy. like a young tim curry. okay, a really young tim curry.

movie time.