2002-04-28/12:42 a.m.

"L" is for the the way you look at me...

man, im so confused. so many thoughts have been circulating through my head today, and this past week. my mind is all murky, yet my thoughts are clear. nothing makes sense, but everything is logical. so very odd.

coupledom: is it a state of being that exists between two people, or because of two people, or is it just something that other people see when they look at two people? when i look at mindy and andrew, i see a couple. when i look at graham and emily, i see a couple. when i look at mike and caitlyn, i see a couple. when i look at jordon and stacey, i see a couple. when i look at autumn and kyle, i see a couple. the coupledom thing should partially be based on other peoples perceptions, since, as far as i know, autumn and kyle are not a couple. if somebody were to walk up to me and say autumn and kyle are a couple, i would jump and throw something at the person in alarm, because i would not believe it. maybe its because with all of the crazy couples at the community centre at lunch, autumn and kyle end up sitting together. if they didnt, they would be sitting in between a couple...which would be odd. the whole couple thing baffles me because i wonder if others look at jeff and i and see a couple. from what many of my friends, and crossing guards (cringes) say, jeff and i are indeed thought of to be a couple. im not quite sure how i feel about it. if i had to be in a couple, i wouldnt want it to be with anybody other than jeff, but still...with the odd feeling...all fishbowly...as if we are on display and such. it kinda spins me out (new lingo courtesy of the movie murder by numbers) to think that i am one of the many people that are in a relationship of some sort. of all of the billions of people in the world, surely people would find somebody that they would be compatible with - emotionally, or even just sexually. it makes sense logically that people pair off at an exceeding rate, or, in the case of orgies and polygamous relationships, people find more that one person to connect with. but still...ive always doubted that whole theory. not the polygamy - the whole finding somebody thing. no, i dont mean soul mate or similiar things, i just mean a person connecting with another person. man...im confusing everyone. oh well. what im trying to explain is that..dammit - i cant explain it. heres an excerpt of something i wrote from awhile ago...way back in september or the like, when i was going out with tom. i use the term 'going out' loosely because we only went to the movies once, which was BEFORE we were together, and i once went to his baseball game. so yah. loosely. it still hurt like hell when i broke up with him tho. hurt like hell for both of us. man, tonight is very odd. anyways, here it is:

On the off chance that this man is really as perfect as I think he is, what is so incredibly amazing about me that would make him overlook my many faults? If I am already blessed by having him being the "right" person for me, won't it seem ungrateful for me to ask a higher power to make me the "right" person for him? Look at all these rhetorical questions, all spawned by my hyperactive brain analyzing to death what my silly heart is feeling, or thinks it's feeling. I'm left all confused and lonely, when I wasn't looking for any kind of emotional baggage to start with.

ah, good ol september or other months in the fall. yup.

tonight i saw murder by numbers with andrew, mindy, graham, emily, stacey, and jessica. twas good. im so very glad that jess and stacey were there. i was feeling kinda weird around graham, emily, andrew, and mindy, since they were all hugging and stuff...and just being couples. bah. i was perhaps a little jealous, considering that i havent seen jeff since friday afternoon. no, im not all crazy because of it..i just kinda miss him. doh. grr missing. i hate missing things. especially people. its as if ive misplaced them. bah. i felt very odd last night too. last night emily, graham, stacey, jordon, and jessica all came to my house. they showed up around 9:30 p.m. and left just after midnight. twas great to hang out and just relax, but still...when we were watching monty python and the holy grail in the dark, in my family room, i felt weird. mostly because i think graham and emily were making out...or at least their faces were smushed together. the same with jordan and stacey. im suprisingly happy for all of them - all of my friends that are in relationships - but still...with the uncomfortable feeling. i dunno whether thats because ive been missing jeff lately, or because couples tend to make others uncomfortable.

i hope jeff and i dont make anybody uncomfortable.

i mean, if its suddam hussein or some guy in japan, i dont care, but i dont wanna make my friends feel weird.

jenny is usually amused by jeff and i. that may be because jeff and i argue a lot. it also may be because we re both insane. whatever. it may be that jenny is lying. she may be covering up her uncomfortable feelings. jennys not usually a lying liar though...so she may actually be amused by our antics. maybe not though. its hard to tell.

(sighs) this entry is so very pointless to everyone. myself included. well, maybe in the future i will want to look back on this. maybe not. i doubt that i will want to rehash my doubts about relationships. no doubts exactly...just questions. but still with the probably not wanting to.

meh.

so very meh.

i phoned jeff today to invite him to the movies, but he was at work. i left a message with his mom for him to phone me. jeff does not know how to work a telephone, so he stopped by earlier, apparently. my brothers werent too impressed. okay, thats kinda not true. they seemed pleased, for some unknown reason, that jeff stopped by. and yes, i said brothers. plural form. scott is here for a few days. woo woo. take that, you fatcats up in ottawa. you dont have my brother under as tight a rein as you thought, eh?

scott goes to work in ottawa on wednesday.

i need more people on trillian (msn). autumn and i need some spark in our conversation. we are depending on others to add that pizzaz. yes, i said pizzaz. shuddup.

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