2004-01-31/3:43 a.m.

i would explain more but

im not even sure how i feel. the party was..partiful, i suppose. twas good. no bloodshed, only a few tears, and only one drunkard. sure, jenn fell asleep because of her allergy medication, jon seemed pissed off the entire time, devin got drunk and was an asshole to autumn, stacey arrived two hours late because she decided she couldnt be around couples and then decided that she loved me enough to put aside her problems with graham and others, graham hid out in the basement to stay away from stacey, caitlyn and mike left early, kiersti and ann arrived late, and i accidentally flashed everyone.

though i did have a sense of nostalgia when talking upstairs with the girls. the boys discussed music downstairs and any harsh words between them were forgotten. i didnt drink even though i was offered a few times, and everything in my head told me to. ive learned not to trust my mind. for instance, right now its telling me to shower, then sleep in the garage so that hypothermia sets in. odd.

i slept restlessly in the boys arms this afternoon. i may have appeared to sleep soundly, but i was terrified the entire time. being stuck in my own subconscious is frightening to me.

graham and i had a nice talk while dan drove jenn and jon home. i learned a few new things and appreciated just how damn perceptive that long-haired young man is.

i paid attention for a solid forty minutes this afternoon in writers craft. after that, i dazed off and tried to write my monologue for the class. its to be about a significant event in my life, or about a pattern that has emerged from a careful look at past events. the motif for my life, all the way from childhood, is quite depressing. it leaves a terrible taste in my mouth, a taste that i get when i have panic attacks.

i hugged the boy after school, kissing him occasionally, not because i was being romantic or affectionate, but because my legs would not support me and my face kept moving into his.

i wish i was well for him. for my mother. for my friends.

when you stopped coming to lit, i just kinda gave up. i thought if caras not here, then theres really no point in me trying. it was all just too much. i hope there is enough time left in the year for us to become really close friends.

the kittens asleep in my lap. i wish i could sleep. i just keep thinking of what a fucking failure i am - i have never learned to properly deal with the loss of important people in my life, i cant handle change or stress in my current mental state, the doctors say, but as i look back i realize that ive never dealt with change well at all. the inability to handle change is the motif in my 18 years on this planet. even good changes terrify me and leave me sobbing.

time to take my pills and count the minutes until morning.

tomorrow night i must put on my party face again when the boy and i go to a birthday bash that his sister is throwing. i must? i want to. i do. i will. and tomorrow i will record some songs to put on a solo demo cd, per fathers request.

this is me not explaining more. imagine what the full version would be.