2002-11-13/4:25 p.m.

the best things in life are free

today darren - formerly creepy darren kid - asked me if im ever happy.

that reinforces my belief that im depressed. it runs in my family, you know. my parents were both depressed for years and years. decades, even. then again, they were married. both my brothers took anti-depressants during high school. i think my mother is afraid to give me medication to control my feelings of laying in bed for weeks on end, not caring if i eat or bathe or breathe. if drugs are needed to keep me safe/sane, then that means that my parents couldnt.

i got four hugs today - all from darren - and a few leering looks in outdoor ed. yay me.

unfortunately, i also got twice as many looks of pity and thrice as many looks of concern. even a few looks of pure hatred and malice. i blame it on my new bangs. new. joseph was doped up when he cut my hair, i believe. i like the style very much, without the linsay/mindy bangs. their bangs look nice on them. linsays especially. mine look like bangs though. besides, joseph admitted that hes spending far too much time lately smoking dope and playing nintendo. because i do neither, the argument is won. won by me. for he is not here to object. i wish he were. hes cute in a 30-something way and he has lotsa guitars. i would apologize for elbowing him in the abdomen yesterday. but then again, thats what people get when they give me bangs and then yank on them to try to make them look nice. thats what they get. thatll learn joseph to yank.

i am convinced that my muscles have little razor sharp knives in them that are destroying my insides. it sure feels that way. that, or i ate glass. i think i would have remembered something like that. i just ate a free chocolate bar today. yes, free. the vending machine gave me two chocolate bars for the price of one. i was ecstatic, for it looked as if my chocolate bar was going to get stuck in the machine and i wouldnt have any chocolate at all. instead, i got twice as much chocolate. twice! i gave the first bar to friends, for karma really will bite you in the ass one day when youre not looking. twill be threefold too. threefold, i say.

sigh. my neck is no longer supporting my head. off to bed, i say. off to bed indeed.

also - my stepdad ordered a new computer today. all hail new king neil. all hail.

im going to a free martina sorbara concert in december. free! free. autumn is perhaps coming. learn her good to insist that she can pick martina out from a crowd. learn her good.