2004-10-03/8:01 p.m.

i hate sundays

why is it that i think that having needs means that youre needy, and that needy is always preceded by a silent too?

not even why. just..i do. and thats not healthy. restricting my needs so i wont be a burden on anyone, yet at the same time vying for attention..i talk to psychodoc about it until im blue in the face, but it still hits me with brass knuckles sometimes.

i brought in the plants off the balcony so they will stop shivering. i wish i could do the same.

my sister has strep-throat. the first thing i said to her was lucky!. she thought i was sarcastic. i was not.

kitten is digging up my chives and making a mess on the floor. i dont have the energy to stop him anymore. part of me thinks it looks better that way.

ma pries into my thoughts, trying to discover how depressed my ottawa brother is. she doesnt accept that i dont know. i dont know how hes doing or handling or not handling it. i dont know how im doing or not doing those things either. she doesnt accept that i still do not know what healthy is, and that i do not know how to get to that point. i just flail and hope that i hit the right answer. if not, i try again. if so, i still try again. im balancing as haphazardly as scott is. i just dont know.

these days i pray that time will quicken so i can take my meds, the voices will soften; the thoughts will crumble away, letter by letter, until they no longer make sense; the world will dull into a polluted gray haze; and for a little while, too little a while, i will slumber while the rest of the bees busybusybusy with their irritating hum.

i dont want to be crazy for the boy tonight. i wish i could quiet the voices on my own long enough to dance and kiss and sleep with the boy. that would be pleasure enough for him, i hope. it would be plent for me. i hate falling to pieces with him like candy glass - he needs me to be strong and beautiful like diamonds. i wish i could give him that.

i used to wish i could give him the world. i now would never wish to give such a terrible burden to even my worst enemy. not even to myself.

i wish my self-destruct button could gather dust, just for awhile.