2004-02-25/10:44 p.m.

would they let me play my guitar?

today my mother asked me if i need to be committed to the hospital.

im getting very close to taking her up on the offer, as ive been teetering on the edge for quite some time.

time. hah. i dont know what time feels like anymore. i dont know what much of anything feels like anymore. i can smell the boy, but i cant feel him. i can see his darling smile and his intelligent eyes, but i cant feel his whiskers or his eyelashes. i cant remember the last time i saw him. yesterday.

no.

today, at songwriters.

no.

in my driveway after dropping me off at home.

shit. everything is so bloody fleeting. i cant grasp anything long enough to feel it, really feel it, and to find joy in it.

i can sense that earth is giving way beneath my feet. an avalanche is coming; i can hear it rumble in the distance. it sounds like thunder just after lightning. now i just have to wait for it to rain. it will soon. the skies will open up and the ground will too.

perhaps thats when ill open up to give psychodoc what he needs. perhaps. i cant give him that yet, and im not sure whats preventing me.

liar.

fear. but why am i afraid? i dont even know what it is i need to tell him.

all i know is that i need a rest. a real rest.

bloody hell. stop being so melodramatic. pick yourself up and move on.

ive picked up the scissors a dozen times tonight. i thought about going to the bathroom during dinner at the restaurant, just so that i could sit in a stall and run my wrist against the serrated edge that cuts toilet paper. it would make all the noise stop, even just for a moment, and it would be worth it. it would.

during therapy, the thermostat made wheezing noises. it sounded as if the walls were breathing. a car alarm went off outside. two dogs barked at each other. the clock ticked. it was all too loud.

thats because neither i or psychodoc were talking. he was waiting for me to give him something tangible, and i was waiting for him to do the same for me.

if i go to the hospital, will anybody send me flowers, chocolates, or a sweet my love for you doesnt take breaks, even if you do note?