2007-02-07/7:09 p.m.

you are no friend of mine

i fucking hate celexa. or rather, i believe would, if i was capable of feeling anything other than this medicated haze.

im in a perpetual state of being unable to articulate an idea that sits on the tip of my tongue, of a low-lying early-morning fog that the sun would burn off if only it could peak out a little further from behind the clouds, of the very first moments of waking when one is unable to move, of the very last moments of before falling into an anesthetic-induced sleep when the uncontrollable panic sets in that wont be remembered, of myopic eyes trying to focus without the aid of artificial lenses, of being distracted by deja vu that might not exist, of not being able to remember the recurring nightmare that makes one afraid to go to sleep.

or, as i tend to say before the familiar and terrifying darkness of night sets in and allows my brain to remember that it was once able to function, fuzz thats bad. not like kitten fuzz. bad fuzz. that.

however, since i am such an optimist, being in such a state isnt so bad. when im in this state i am usually unable to remember why i volunteer to be in it - because that thing that i cant seem to remember, the thing that i had to do today and that i know is important but i cant remember no matter how hard i try?

that thing is that i am a worthless disappointment of a human being that would be better off dead.

and by the time i remember that, its time to take another pill so that i can spend the next day unable to remember why i took the pill.

the nursing student roommates are both against medication for themselves. the other roommate prefers home-remedies and native healers and is certain that i have a vitamin deficiency that is causing all of this.

the doctors have looked under every rock and hard place inside of me trying to find a reason. they have given up on reasons and have left it up to me to decide when this mysterious disease needs treatment. they dont much care why anymore. neither do i. it just is. i cannot change it, but perhaps i can manage it.

or at least just manage.