2004-02-06/12:10 a.m.

and then more recording

enjoying listening to my own music feels like some weird version of masturbation. do any other musicians feel the same way?

i ask questions like this to draw attention away from my drunken stepfather almost hitting me but stopping because im not his kid and he cant hid kids unless theyre his, apparently. moms kicking him out tomorrow, until he gets help to stop drinking. we wont abandom him, cause we love him and hes family, but we wont put up with his abuse.

at least, not anymore.

also - i enjoy when the boy apologizes. i enjoy it far too often, i have come to believe. though psychodoc seems to think that i am subconsciously trying to have a purely physical relationship because i lack the mental wellness/stability to do otherwise.

i am starting to believe him too.