2004-02-02/1:48 a.m.

i gathered all the pills in the house and put them in my moms room

i was snuggling with the boy, intimacy level through the roof, and i ran upstairs and took the pills from my room to my moms room. after settling back in with the boy, i ran upstairs and took everything out of the medicine cabinet and then gave all the bottles to my mom. as long as she has a careful watch on them, then im okay. then i know i cant take them. then i dont think of the delicious sleep i could have if i took all of them at once. i dont think of that when i should be happy, when im in his arms all safe and sound and sexually aroused. the constant suicidal thoughts are too much for me to handle at this point in time, especially with jenn just saying that im lazy and if i put in the effort then id get better and id be happy and id do well in school. well, not all of us burn our arms and then feel in control of the cosmos, darling.

now im just getting nasty. i apologize.

no i dont. im pissed. im angry that im not well and that everybody thinks they know what to do to make me better when clearly its not helping at all. they think they know whats best, but the truth is that nobody knows. nobody bloody knows.

my mother nearly checked me into the hospital tonight. she would have if i had gathered up the steak knifes and given them to her like i had planned.

sigh.

im gonna go wake her up so she can keep watch over me. aka, cuddle. sure..sure. i know she just wants to keep me alive. thats her job though, i suppose.