2005-05-15/2:48 p.m.

sandbanks, here i come.

i have a job interview with sandbanks provincial park, and will be able to set one up with presquille soon, as their offices are closed on weekends. its exciting, and quite terrifying.

im having trouble breathing. i thought that it was just panic last night at the party, and i think dan thought the same, but it hasnt gotten much better. when my mother talked to me today, she noticed it right away and asked what was wrong. i need a refill on my inhaler, and that will take a few days because the pharmacy has to order repeats from my doctor.

i tried my best to stay calm and to breathe at the party, but it seemed as if my friends were more concerned about me than danny was. it wasnt just some anxiety attack..i really couldnt breathe well and was coughing up phlegm. there were sharp pains in my lungs and i couldnt get enough air. it was terrifying. danny sat with me and tried to calm me down a few times, but as the night went on, the drunks got drunker, the music got louder, and my coughing worsened, but friends became increasingly concerned and danny seemed to become increasingly annoyed and distracted. he barely said two words to me on the way home.

i didnt do it on purpose, and i dislike feeling as if i did something wrong, as if i purposely wanted to cut his fun short. the party was for one of my friends that he knows, but hes not very close with. he helped shop for the present, but didnt chip in. i put both our names on the card. then he acted as if i was ruining his evening.

i want to delete this all and just say that we left early because i wasnt feeling well, and then we fell asleep together on my couch, beside the kittens. i suppose theres only so much that someone can do to take care of you, and theres only so long that they can stand it. perhaps i have overstayed my welcome, and danny just wants to have a good time. thats what i want too.. its just difficult, but im trying.

fuck. i shoulda just stopped after the job interview news. fuck.