2005-02-03/3:54 p.m.

im just not cut out for slacking

in quite a masochistic experiment, last semester i decided that i would see if i could scrape by in english in doing minimal work. i was actually afraid of doing well, since i still dont feel that my cognitive fuctions are anywhere close to where they used to be or should be. i thought, and still think, that every piece of writing i handed in was mediocre, and i wanted a mark that reflected the mediocrity that i feel about myself.

i was prodded all semester by my english teacher to simply hand in work, for the quality would make up for any late marks that i could possibly try to acquire, which i indeed did try for. i walked into the exam with a 61, but at the same time handed in an essay, planning for two essays and half of one written, as well as half a reading log and some other brainstorming work. all of that, plus my exam, brought me up to 77. the highest mark i had all year in english was 69, and that was for one brief week.

im a dork. really. not to mention that i tried to get 70 or 75 on the english essay exam, so i wrote an essay that i felt was suitable for that mark. i didnt stress over it, and i didnt edit it at all after i wrote it, for i thought who am i to try to do well now, when ive been purposely trying to do poorly all semester?. i wanted to bring my mark up so that it would be above 65 so i could be accepted to universities, but i wasnt looking for 70 or anything as a final mark.

and then i bloody aced the exam. fuck.

thatll learn my to try to mess with fate or to underestimate my potential or whatever. i dunno. i shall certainly have something to discuss with psychodoc tomorrow. sigh.

so, tonight, to celebrate, im going to a serena ryder concert at revival with my dad and maybe one of his work buddies. i am taking a bus to a train and being quite the public transit savvy gal, perhaps just to set up another obstacle that i fear i will trip over. but, if i have learned anything from this english course debacle, it is that i should just stop my whining and work hard. stop being so lazy just because i dont believe i will meet standards if i do try. stop bitching and just try.

time for a shower and some reading before i have to head out to the bus. man, i hope i read the schedules correctly.

long. ass. entry. its about time, i suppose.

oh, yes. laurel - i still heart the pieces of you that i know. i hope to know more someday.