2003-10-13/9:47 p.m.

i grow weary of all of this soul-searching

my weekend has been filled with precious moments with special people.

my head has been filled with thoughts that i wish never to own up to. it is much easier to pretend that the darkness is all in my head when it is all in my head instead of on paper, or on andrews server space.

working is making me political. so is breathing.

ill have my 20 minutes of fame the night after tomorrow. fire runs through my veins already.

today we wrote the beginnings of a new song with a killer piano part. but, as none of us are skilled in the art of the piano, im developing it on guitar. i tried my keyboard, but my hands arent built to be used like that. i must learn, eventually. just as i will learn bass and french and to pleasure others.

speaking of pleasuring others, how i thought of you this weekend and longed to be your everything. if only i wasnt so busy standing still. i miss you. i miss us, for the brief moments when there was an us.

i saw two lovers walking hand-in-hand today, and i waved, for i know them. they couldnt see me, for infatuation blurred their vision. if only people were never yanked back into a state of clear perception. if only.

i have too many things to do not enough motivation to spread evenly. in fact, i have no motivation at all, for i will feel just as empty and disappointed when i achieve the things i wish to achieve.

everything is falling into place for me except for me. ive even quit sense-making.

no one trusts me to be wise and successful. they dont think getting a kitten is a good idea, much less pursuing my dreams. no, thats not quite right, for they want me to everything possible to pursue my dreams, just as long as i change my dreams to match theirs. they want me to live an easy, happy life, while i know that those two things cannot coexist for me. its just not possible. but then, can happiness and i coexist either?