2003-10-26/1:51 p.m.

im such a failure

why doesnt somebody just put me out of my misery? all i ever do is let people down and screw up their plans and their lives. all i ever do is make a mess of situations and rooms. i make promises knowing fully well that i will break them. i smile not because im happy, but because the pain is less severe for a moment or two.

though friday night i was genuinely happy for a few hours. last night i was nearly content for a few minutes. i guess that says something about my relationships with my friends. sigh. im on the verge of making some pretty ugly pretty/ugly mistakes. and when they carry the potentail to screw up other peoples hearts like this, they cannot be affectionately labelled learning experiences. for its unfair to stomp all over other people and write off their/my pain as something to avoid next time. i cant think of next times if i make either of these decisions.

shit. im talking cryptically again, arent i?

well to hell with that, im gonna go continue to sloppily do some homework.